------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PROGRAMMER's and SCIENCE (and some other) JOKES --- collected by joerg.hau(at)dplanet.ch --- Here are a few examples of "programmer's wisdom" plus some "scientific" or (more lor less :-) related topics that I found on different places across The Web. I don't recall all the sources and cannot even confirm if the (eventually) given sources are correct ... but hey, this is for fun. Technical note I: This file is plain good old ASCII text. No effort has been made to limit column with to 75 characters (or similar). Linefeeds are only present where they represent a paragraph. Technical Note II: Yes, this file contains stuff in english, french & german :-) Last update: 2009-06-17 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY OF PRODUCT TERMINOLOGY NEW Different colors from previous version. ALL NEW Software is not compatible with previous version. UNMATCHED Almost as good as the competition. ADVANCED DESIGN Upper management doesn't understand it. NO MAINTENANCE Impossible to fix. BREAKTHROUGH It finally booted on the first try. DESIGN SIMPLICITY Developed on a shoe-string budget. UPGRADED: Did not work the first time. UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time. ADVANCED USER: A person who has managed to remove a computer from its packing material. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: The amazing humanlike ability of a computer program to understand that the letter y mean "yes" and the letter n mean "no". ENCRYPTION: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation of computer manuals. --- Laws of computer programming: 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 3. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 4. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 5. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 6. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. --- MICROSOFT Selon certaines sources, lors de la toute r�cente expo du COMDEX, Bill Gates aurait compar� l'industrie informatique � l'industrie automobile. Il aurait dit: "Si General Motors avait du r�percuter des avanc�es technologiques aussi rapidement que l'industrie informatique, nous conduirions tous des voitures qui co�teraient 200 francs et qui consommeraient 1/2 litre au cent Kilom�tres" Un peu plus tard, la direction de General Motors fit cette r�ponse lors d'un communiqu� � la presse: "Ce qu'a dit Bill Gates est exact. Mais qui voudrait d'une voiture qui se crashe deux fois par jour?" --- Comment installer votre logiciel sur un ordinateur PC-compatible - Un programme en 12 points - 1. Lisez le texte inscrit sur l'emballage de votre logiciel jusqu'� ce que vous trouviez quelles sont les sp�cificit�s de syst�me d'exploitation requises pour ce logiciel. Ca devrait ressembler � quelque chose comme ceci: System Requirements: 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM AFS (Anti Freeze System) 2 ratons laveurs NOTE: L'installation de ce logiciel se fait � vos risques et p�rils. 2. Ouvrez l'emballage du logiciel et extrayez-en le manuel d'installation: il contient les instructions d�taill�es pour installer, utiliser et r�soudre les probl�mes logiciels. Balancez-le n'importe o�. 3. Trouvez le logiciel lui-m�me qui doit avoir l'apparence d'une disquette 3,5 pouces ou d'un CD-ROM, et qui doit se trouver � l'int�rieur d'une enveloppe scell�e sur laquelle est �crit quelque chose comme �a: CONTRAT DE LICENCE: En ouvrant cette enveloppe, l'utilisateur s'engage � respecter les termes et les conditions du contrat suivant que personne ne lit jamais, tout comme la Convention de Gen�ve ou la Charte de l'O.N.U., ou le serment secret des membres de l'ordre protecteur des Nains de Jardin, et tous les autres termes et conditions r�els ou imaginaires que la compagnie �ditrice du logiciel aura jug� n�cessaire ou appropri� d'inclure, y compris le droit de venir dans la maison de l'utilisateur du logiciel pour examiner son disque dur, la couleur de ses cale�ons ou autre chose encore, jusqu'� ce que mort s'ensuive. Et merci d'�tre venu. 4. Donnez le support du logiciel � un enfant �g� de 3 � 12 ans et dites lui: "(Nom du charmant enfant), tiens, installe le logiciel sur mon ordinateur." 5. Si vous n'avez pas d'enfant �g� de 3 � 12 ans, ins�rez le support du logiciel dans le lecteur appropri�, entrez "SETUP" et appuyez sur "ENTER". 6. N'oubliez pas d'allumer votre ordinateur au pr�alable. 7. Donc, maintenant que l'ordinateur est allum�, tapez "SETUP" puis pressez la touche "ENTER". 8. Vous allez entendre des grincement ou des sifflements puis le message suivant devrait s'inscrire sur votre �cran: Le programme d'installation va maintenant examiner votre syst�me pour voir quelle est la meilleure fa�on de le rendre inop�rant. Etes-vous d'accord avec �a? Choisissez parmi les deux propositions suivantes et soyez honn�tes: +------------+ +--------------+ | OUI | | COMPLETEMENT | +------------+ +--------------+ 9. Apr�s avoir fait votre choix, vous allez � nouveau entendre des grincements ou des sifflements tr�s tr�s longtemps, pendant que le programme d'installation fait Dieu sait quoi sur votre disque dur. Quelques programmes d'installation peuvent vraiment alt�rer la structure mol�culaire lorsqu'ils en ont termin�, votre ordinateur se retrouve transform� en un appareil �lectrique d'un genre totalement nouveau comme un grille-pain � micro-ondes. Dans le meilleur des cas, le programme va cr�er quelques r�pertoires, sous-r�pertoires, sous-sous-r�pertoires sur votre disque dur et va les remplir d'un bon millier de fichiers aux noms aussi myst�rieux que "puree.exe," "phlegmon.dat," and "waow.beu". 10. Lorsque le programme d'installation en a termin�, votre �cran doit afficher le message suivant: FELICITATIONS Le programme d'installation n'a rien trouv� de plus stupide � faire � votre ordinateur. Vous pouvez maintenant essayer d'utiliser votre logiciel? Si vous rencontrez des probl�mes d'utilisation, des chocs �lectriques, de l'insomnie, de la tachycardie, de l'�pistaxis, du ptyalisme ou des parasites intestinaux, vous devez absolument *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&*!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^& 11. � ce point de l'installation, votre ordinateur a toutes les chances d'�tre devenu aussi efficace que l'administration fiscale en Corse, et il doit refuser de r�pondre � toute sorte de sollicitations, de la simple pression sur la touche "escape" � une bonne pression sur le bouton "d�marrer", voire � un bon coup de latte sur le bo�tier. 12. Appelez le num�ro vert de la ligne du support technique (le num�ro figure sur l'emballage) et attendez une bonne quinzaine de minutes(*) qu'un technicien vienne vous expliquer pas-�-pas comment adopter un enfant de 3 � 12 ans. (*) Si vous appelez le support technique de Gateway 2000, pr�voyez vos sandwichs... --- Comment installer votre logiciel sur un ordinateur Macintosh -- Un programme en 3 points 1) Introduisez la disquette dans le lecteur. 2) Double-cliquez sur l'ic�ne "Installation". 3) Utilisez votre logiciel. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Que faire lorsqu'un logiciel install� sur un Macintosh ne fonctionne pas: 1) Mettez le logiciel incrimin� � la corbeille 2) Mettez son fichier de pr�f�rences � la corbeille 3) Red�marrez 4) R�installez le logiciel 5) Reconstruisez le bureau 7) R�initialisez la P-Ram 8) Reformattez le disque dur 9) Achetez un PC Puis.... 1) Constatez que votre PC crashe lui aussi et essayez de r�soudre les conflits de DLL, les param�tres du command.com, du system.ini et de l'autoexec.bat. 2) D�fragmentez votre disque dur tout en regardant X files 3) R�-installez Windows95 4) Oh non... Vous �tes en pleine r�installation de Windows et il vous demande si vous avez bien fait des copies de sauvegarde de votre dossier "Program files"... Too late 5) Arrachez-vous les cheveux et continuez l'installation en maudissante Microsoft 6) Jurez que plus jamais vous n'ach�terez un logiciel Microsoft 7) Travaillez super bien avec votre nouveau syst�me tout propre �patant 8) R�p�tez les �tapes 1 � 3 tous les mois et attendez Windows98 en priant 8b) Passez � Linux --- The problem with spellcheckers is that they can lull you into a false sense of security, including to say yes when you should have said no. That was the embarassing problem biologist Simon Goodman ran into when he replaced the word "organism" with "orgasm", as in the phrase "is is hard to inhibit this organism". It also wanted to change his name to "Simian Goddamn". But as he says, "that's leaf". New Scientist, vol 141, No 1914, 26 February 1994, page 92. --- The Top .n. ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars. 1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW! 6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads. 7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. 9. We would still be waiting on the "next" model to come out. 10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (TM). 11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill Gate's chauffeur. 12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an auto maker, instead of giving them. 13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size rear-end. 14. Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a CD player. in all its models. --- Six Phases of a Project: 1) Enthusiasm 2) Disillusionment 3) Panic 4) Search for the guilty 5) Punishment of the innocent 6) Praise and honors for non-participants --- Clarke's law of revolutionary ideas Every revolutionary idea evokes three stages of reaction: 1. It is impossible - don't waste my time. 2. It is possible, but its not worth doing. 3. I said it was a good idea all along. --- Bruce Tonkin First Computer Dictionary (Part 3). DOS: (n.) acronym for a program which outputs questions given answers, putting users in jeopardy. Icon: (n.) a complex, blurry, and easily-misinterpreted pictorial representation of a single unambiguous word. Preferred by illiterates and semi-literates for these reasons, and by others because it slows most computers down so even a cretin with an IQ of 53 may justly feel superior. Menu: (n.) any list of choices, each of which is either unsatisfactory or in some fashion contradictory. Murphy's Laws of Computing 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. --- TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE 5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment. 4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection. 3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own. 2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system. 1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention. Five reasons computers must be female: 5. No one but their creator understands their logic. 4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. --- Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love he brings me flowers and candy. I like that." The second woman proclaimed, " My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that." The third woman replied, "Well, my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it." --- GRAMMAR 1. Make sure each pronoun agrees with their antecedent. 2. Just between you and I, the case of pronoun is important. 3. Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into English. 4. Verbs has to agree in number with their subjects. 5. Don't use no double negatives. 6. Being bad grammar, a writer should not use dangling modifiers. 7. Join clauses good like a conjunction should. 8. A writer must be not shift your point of view. 9. About sentence fragments. 10. Don't use run-on sentences you got to punctuate them. 11. In letters essays and reports use commas to separate items in series. 12. Don't use commas, which are not necessary. 13. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 14. Its important to use apostrophes right in everybodys writing. 15. Don't abbrev. 16. Check to see if you any words out. 17. In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it's A-OK. 18. As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong. 19. About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition - take, for instance the repetition of Abraham Lincoln. 20. In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing should definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across. 21. Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify. 22. It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions. 23. Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out. 24. Consult the dictionery to avoid mispelings. 25. To ignorantly split an infinitive is a practice to religiously avoid. 26. Last but not least, lay off cliches. --- "Computers!", she thought, "All they ever think about is hex." --- PCMCIA: People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms --- Several students were asked the following problem: "Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime." Mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime." Statistician: 100% of the sample 5, 13, 37, 41 and 53 is prime, so all odd numbers must be prime. Mechanical Statistician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an outlier, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, .... all odd numbers are prime. Measure nontheorist: there are exactly as many odd numbers as primes (Euclid, Cantor), and exactly one even prime (namely 2), so there must be exactly one odd nonprime (namely 1). Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." Wouldn't a modern physicist employ something like renormalization? 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 9/3 is prime 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is ... 15/3 is prime 17 is prime, 19 is prime, 21 is ... 21/3 is prime Quantum Physicist: All numbers are equally prime and non-prime until observed. Chemist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime.. that's enough. Hey, let's publish!" Cosmologist: 3 is prime, yes it is true.... Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right." Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not working, fetch toolbox. Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime... [Continue until told to go home by others] Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student. Computer scientist: I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...." Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, segmentation fault. core dumped. GNU program: % prime usage: prime [-nV] [--quiet] [--silent] [--version] [-e script] --catenate --concatenate | c --create | d --diff --compare | r --append | t --list | u --update | x -extract --get [ --atime-preserve ] [ -b, --block-size N ] [ -B, --read-full-blocks ] [ -C, --directory DIR ] [ --checkpoint ] [ -f, --file [HOSTNAME:]F ] [ --force- local ] [ -F, --info-script F --new-volume-script F ] [ -G, --incremental ] [ -g, --listed-incremental F ] [ -h, --dereference ] [ -i, --ignore-zeros ] [ --ignore-failed- read ] [ -k, --keep-old-files ] [ -K, --starting-file F ] [ -l, --one-file-system ] [ -L, --tape-length N ] [ -m, --modification-time ] [ -M, --multi-volume ] [ -N, --after-date DATE, --newer DATE ] [ -o, --old-archive, --portability ] [ -O, --to-stdout ] [ -p, --same- permissions, --preserve-permissions ] [ -P, --absolute- paths ] [ --preserve ] [ -R, --record-number ] [ [-f script-file] [--expression=script] [--file=script-file] [file...] prime: you must specify exactly one of the r, c, t, x, or d options For more information, type ``prime --help'' Computer Scientist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime... Bus error. Core dumped. The computer programmer method is: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is ..." Opps, let's try that again: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is ..." Um, right. Okay, how about this: "3 is not prime, 5 is not prime, 7 is not prime, 9 is not prime..." So much for the beta releases. Ship this: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is a feature, 11 is prime..." and put on the cover "More prime numbers than anyone else in the industry!" Coming soon: "3 is a prime, 4 is a feature, 5 is a prime, 6 is a feature, 7 is a prime, 8 is not yet implemented, 9 is our backwards compatibilty module, ..." Computer Scientist: 10 prime, 11 prime, 101 prime... Programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be fixed in the next release, ... C programmer: 03 is prime, 05 is prime, 07 is prime, 09 is really 011 which everyone knows is prime, ... BASIC programmer: What's a prime? COBOL programmer: What's an odd number? Windows programmer: 1 is prime. Wait. Mac programmer: Now why would anyone want to know about that? That's not user friendly. You don't worry about it, we'll take care of it for you. Bill Gates: 1. No one will ever need any more then 1. TRS-80 Computer Programmer: One is prime, Two is prime, Three is prime, Out of Memory. Computer Scientist with a Pentium: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 6.9999978 is prime... Software tech support operator: Well, we haven't had any reports of composite odd numbers... do you have the latest version of ZFC? Logician: Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime Proof: 1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true 2) The proof exists; you're reading it now. From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime Confused Undergraduate: Yes, it's true. Proof: Let p be any prime number larger than 2. Then p is not divisible by 2, so p is odd. QED Linguist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 aaah. I can make 9 a prime. Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ... Philosopher : why don't we just call all the odd numbers prime and call all the prime numbers odd, that way all the odd numbers would be prime. Philosopher: 3 is prime. Hum, thats an interesting statment, I'll get one of my research students to look into that. Economist: "Assume 9 is prime..." Economist: 2 is a prime, 4 is a prime. Economist: 2 is even, 4 is even, 6 is even... Economist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. Look the prime rate is dropping. Theologian: 3 is prime and that's good enough for me! Theologian: No after all before God all numbers even, odd and prime are created equal. Christian: I'm sure the Bible says that all odd numbers are prime. Pope: 9 is prime. If you think otherwise, prepare to be damned. The Psychiatrist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime but trying to supress it, 11 is prime...... Shrink: 3 is prime, 5 is prime etc... And how could one specify "prime" anyway? Psychologists: Do _they_ want to be? Sociologist: 3 is a number, 3 is prime, all numbers are prime. Sociologist: is it right to call numbers odd? Multiculturalist: Pfui! There you go, classifying numbers into categories. Lawyer: 3 is prime, yet 5 could be anything, taking into account, but not limited to, the fact that 4 may or may not be prime, depending on the witnesses' testimonies and the written evidence furnished. Lawyer: According to Maths v Logic, 9 was judicially declared prime. Lawyers: one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, although there appears to be prima facie evidence that nine is not prime, there exists substantial precedent to indicate that nine should be considered prime. The following brief presents the case for nine's primeness ... Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations. Politician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is composite, 11 is prime -- we can ignore 9 because the primes have a majority. Corrupt Politician: For a sufficent donation, 9 can be reclassified. Politician: Do you want them to be? George Bush: What's nine got against being prime? I'll bet it won't allow the pledge of allegiance to be said in our schools either. Richard Nixon: Put nine on the enemies list. I'm gonna get that number. Liberals: The fact that nine is not prime indicates a deprived cultural environment which can only be remedied by a federally funded cultural enrichment program. Manager: 3 yes, 5 yes, 7 YES, 9 Now let's take a positive attitude here ... Quality Assurance: 1 is not proven, 2 no and reported, 3 not proven, 4 no and reported, ... --- Top 17 Programmer's (and not only their) Terminologies ------------------------------------------------------ 1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech. 5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered. 6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch. 7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. 8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit. 9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. 10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up. 12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. 13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull! 14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely. 15. ALL NEW - Code not interchangeable with the previous design. 16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked! 17. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken. --- Advice to the Boss on How to Enhance Our Working Relationship =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a 'rush job', run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where your going. It gives me the chance to be creative when somebody asks me where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to be more independent and do without any help, which is why I work here. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess. It builds management skills and my inate ability of mind reading. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and I really have nowhere to go and nothing else to do. My life is yours. 7. If a job pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation. 9. If you have any special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done, or better yet until it is done, so I can learn repetitive perfection doing it your way. 10. Never introduce me to people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone else is less fortunate. --- Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???" "That was a demo", replied St. Peter. --- La Genese (Genesis) IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown] In the beginning there was the computer. And God said %Let there be light! #Enter user id. %God #Enter password. %Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %Create light #Done %Run heaven and earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. %Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %Create firmament #Done. %Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. %Create dry_land #Done. %Run firmament #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. %Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night #Unspecified type. Try again. %Create sun_moon_stars #Done %Run sun_moon_stars #And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4. #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. %Create fish #Done %Create fowl #Done %Run fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowlafter its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5. #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6. %Create cattle #Done %Create creepy_things #Done %Now let us make man in our image #Unspecified type. Try again. %Create man #Done %Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth #Too many command operands. Try again. %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. %Insert breath #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 5 errors. %Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. %Create Garden.edn #Done %Move man to Garden.edn #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 4 errors. %Copy woman from man #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors. %Insert woman into man #Illegal parameters. Try again. %Insert man into woman #Done %Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 2 errors. %Create desire #Done %Run multiplication #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Create freewill #Done %Run freewill #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Undo desire #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. %Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Help #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Create tree_of_knowledge #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. %Create good, evil #Done %Activate evil #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. #1 errors. %Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Search failed. %Delete shame #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. %Destroy freewill #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. %Stop #Unrecognizable command. Try again %Break %Break %Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS --- ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOGOFF. %Create new world #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. %Destroy earth #Destroy earth: Please confirm. %Destroy earth confirmed #COMPUTER DOWN --- COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6. #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00. --- While the Gates are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year. Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "You have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?" Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. Its a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker." Bill: "Stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. It's the only way." Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Cpntractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures." Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work." Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it... nobody made you buy it." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..." --- MISSION STATEMENT GENERATOR 17 adverbs: quickly, proactively, efficiently, assertively, interactively, professionally, authoritatively, conveniently, completely, continually, dramatically, enthusiastically, collaboratively, synergistically, seamlessly, competently, globally 26 verbs: maintain, supply, provide access to, disseminate, network, create, engineer, integrate, leverage other's, leverage existing, coordinate, administrate, initiate, facilitate, promote, restore, fashion, revolutionize, build, enhance, simplify, pursue, utilize, foster, customize, negotiate 39 adjectives: professional, timely, effective, unique, cost effective, virtual, scalable, economically sound, inexpensive, value-added, business, quality, diverse, high-quality, competitive, excellent, innovative, corporate, high standards in, world-class, error-free, performance based, multimedia based, market-driven, cutting edge, high-payoff, low-risk high-yield, long-term high-impact, prospective, progressive, ethical, enterprise-wide, principle-centered, mission-critical, parallel, interdependent, emerging, seven-habits-conforming, resource-leveling 20 nouns: content, paradigms, data, opportunities, information, services, materials, technology, benefits, solutions, infrastructures, products, deliverables, catalysts for change, resources, methods of empowerment, sources, leadership skills, meta-services, intellectual capital --- The Philogiston Theory of Electronics (Original author's name not available or he didn't want credit). A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, realisation of a Basic Truth came to me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't see it! John Kuivinen, Chairman of the Palomar Repeater Committee, (an amateur radio group), I think has discovered what makes integrated circuits work. He says that smoke (yes, you read smoke) is the thing that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of it, the IC stops working. I was flabbergasted! Why of course he's right! Smoke makes all things electrical work. Remember the last time the smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator? Didn't it stop working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries smoke from one device to another in your machine and when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out all at once, and then nothing works. Can't you see now why motors have to be large to handle all that smoke, and don't they have smoke all over the inside when they quit working? Think about it! --- A joke that is too often used during a lecture on conferences: The speaker shows a gen (3000 times the characters G,A,C and T) and says: "People sitting at the back may not be able to read all of this, but the point is..." (From the column of Ronald Plasterk in Intermediair, december 4, 1997) --- MONDAY MORNING COMPUTER GUIDE ALPHAMERIC: The logical result of trying to say "alphanumeric" first thing in the morning ARCHITECTURE: The most impressive part of any computer system: the box it comes in. BABBAGE: British genius, born 1791, who invented computers and then discovered the first law of computers: they don't work. ACCESS TIME: About 30 seconds usually. SEEK TIME: The time it takes to read from disk a piece of data which isn't there. POINTER: A sort of dog which always seems to know which way the data went. PROTOTYPE: A program that does not work perfectly but is still better than the program you eventually get. RECURSION: A subroutine which can be entered from within itself or from outside itself but not from any other point, and which may not be exited while the initial condition holds, or while any other condition holds unless thereis a note in the manual to the contrary. UTILITY: A program which is widely available yet useless. Practical Computing, March 1983, pp107-109. --- Voici les 7 raisons pour lesquelles les ordinateurs sont de sexe f�minin : 1.Personne � part leur cr�ateur n'est capable de comprendre leur logique interne. 2.Chacune de vos plus petites erreurs est imm�diatement m�moris�e pour des r�f�rences ult�rieures. 3.Le langage natif utilis� par les ordinateurs pour communiquer entre eux est incompr�hensible pour n'importe qui d'autre. 4.Le message "bad command or filename" est au moins aussi explicite que "si tu ne sais pas pourquoi je t'en veux, alors je ne vais certainement pas te le dire!" 5.D�s que vous �tes engag� financi�rement pour l'un d'eux, vous vous retrouvez en train de claquer la moiti� de votre paye � lui acheter des accessoires 6.On finit toujours par avoir envie d'essayer ceux des autres 7.Ils deviennent rapidement d�suet, ce qui nous pousse � les changer r�guli�rement- NEANMOINS, LES ORDINATEURS ONT UN ENORME AVANTAGE SUR LES FEMMES : IL Y A UN BOUTON "ON / OFF" --- Top 11 reasons why E-mail is like a male reproductive organ: 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. 10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 8. Many of those who don't have it would like to have it, a phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy* 7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And, the Number One reason ... 1. If you play with it too much, you go blind! --- Vive les PC! ... et si Microsoft fabriquait des ascenseurs ? L'ascenseur vous demanderait "Etes vous s�r ?" quand vous appuyez sur le bouton de l'�tage d�sir�. La charge utile serait, � raison de 70 kg par personne, de 9 personnes soit 629,9999995623485 kg. D'ailleurs, seules les personnes pesant exactement 70 kg pourraient emprunter les ascenseurs Microsoft, puisque cela aura �t� fix� comme standard par les ing�nieurs Microsoft. La puissance des treuils doublerait tous les deux ans, mais le poids des cabines doublerait tous les six mois, ce qui aurait pour effet de rendre les ascenseurs de moins en moins fiables et de plus en plus lents. Les personnes qui emprunteraient les ascenseurs Microsoft deviendraient de ce fait incompatibles avec les ascenseurs Schindler ou Otis. Il faudrait alors les reformater. Les ascenseurs seraient livr�s avec un logiciel "Building Explorer", permettant de se rendre a n'importe quel �tage de l'immeuble, � condition d' �tre tr�s patient. En cas de probl�me, on verrait appara�tre des messages du type: - "Acc�s � l'�tage impossible. L'�tage doit �tre encombr� ou l'ouverture de la porte n'est pas fiable. R�essayez plus tard." - "L'�tage que vous avez demand� n'existe plus. V�rifiez que le bouton sur lequel vous avez appuy� correspond � un �tage." -"Veuillez attendre la fin des op�rations de l'ascenseur avant de quitter la cabine." Chaque fois que vous emprunteriez l'ascenseur, vous auriez l'astuce du jour, du style: "Savez-vous qu'en ne restant pas dans la porte, vous permettez � celle-ci de se refermer plus facilement ?" "Si vous ne vous allongez pas par terre, cela permettra � d'autres personnes d'emprunter l'ascenseur en m�me temps que vous." Microsoft resterait propri�taire des ascenseurs, ses clients ne disposant que d'une licence d'utilisation. Les ascenseurs Microsoft seraient bien s�r livr�s d'abord en version b�ta, les utilisateurs �tant charg�s de noter les anomalies et de les faire conna�tre � Microsoft ... une fois d�coinc�s. Les ascenseurs Microsoft �tant tous � quatorze niveaux, il faudrait ajouter des �tages aux immeubles afin qu'ils acceptent les ascenseurs Microsoft. Les ascenseurs Microsoft proposeraient des raccourcis claviers tr�s utiles, par exemple la combinaison de touches Sonnerie-Ouverture des portes -2 pour atteindre le premier sous-sol. De temps en temps, il se produirait une "erreur de protection g�n�rale " ayant pour effet de faire s'�crouler l'immeuble. Il n'y aurait plus d'escaliers (tellement plus simples, moins chers et plus rapides pour la plupart des utilisations ...) On pourrait demander un "aper�u de l'�tage" pour �tre s�r que celui-ci correspond � ce que l'on veut rechercher. En cas de panne, vous auriez acc�s � la hot-line Microsoft de 8h � 20h sauf le dimanche: - Bonjour, bienvenue chez Microsoft. Je suis votre responsable du service apr�s-vente. Que puis-je faire pour vous ? - Bonjour, je suis coinc� dans l'ascenseur. - Etes-vous s�r que vous �tes coinc� ? L'ascenseur n'est-il pas en train de travailler ? - Comment le saurais-je ? - Y'a t'il une lumi�re orange qui clignote sur le panneau de commande ? - Non, je ne vois rien. - Vous rappelez-vous tout ce que vous avez fait avant d' �tre coinc� ? - Eh bien j'ai appuy� sur le bouton du 4e �tage, l'ascenseur a d�marr� puis s'est arr�t�. - Etes-vous seul ou plusieurs dans l'ascenseur ? - Je suis seul. - Pesez-vous plus ou moins de 630 kg ? - Euh .... moins, je crois. - Pouvez-vous sortir de l'ascenseur ? - Non, les portes sont ferm�es. - Avez-vous sauvegard� l'�tage auquel vous d�sirez vous rendre ? Sinon il vous faudra r�appuyer sur le bouton quand l'ascenseur fonctionnera � nouveau. - Non, mais �a va, je m'en souviens. - Tr�s bien. Quelle est la version de votre ascenseur ? - ??? Euh ... il a �t� construit au d�but de l'ann�e. - Je vois. Il y avait un bug dans cette version. Sortez de l'ascenseur et ouvrez les portes de l'ext�rieur, ainsi vous serez d�coinc�. Ensuite demandez � votre revendeur Microsoft la derni�re version d'ascenseur, plus compl�te et permettant d'atteindre le quatri�me �tage. Merci d'avoir fait appel au service apr�s-vente Microsoft --- A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are all going to a conference together, so being an ecologically minded bunch they decide to car share. The mech. engineer owns a open-top sports car, he's very proud of this car, built it all himself and it is a beauty, but, not very practical. The electrical engineer has a beaten-up old VW Beetle, a classic, trouble is, it's not exactly reliable. But, the software engineer owns a top of the range BMW, air con, the works! So, they decide to head of in the BMW. The journey is going fine, until, at the top of a hill, the engine suddenly, without any warning what so ever, cuts out. Fortunately it's not a steep hill, so, the car rolls down the hill and comes to rest, slightly the worse for wear, against a tree. Somehow the engineers all manage to knock them selves out in the accident. The mechanical engineer is the first to come round, after checking that his friends are OK, he opens up the bonnet (hood in American?), ums and ahs, scratches his beard a little, takes a look under the car, and finally says "Well, the mechanics look OK, but, you never know what's going on with these new fangled electronically controlled engines!" By this time the electrical engineers head is clearing, "I used to work for BMW, let me see...", he says whilst rummaging around in his brief case, "Aha ! Yes, here it is..." he exclaims, producing a small black box from the case. "I'll just run a few diagnostics, see what's up". Then he proceeds to connect the black box up to the engine and then stands and ums and ahs and scratches parts of his body best left unnamed. "Hmm, odd", he says, "Nothing wrong with the electrics as far as I can tell." Then the software engineer appears out from the car, rubbing his head and says "I know, lets roll it back up to the top of the hill, start it up again and see what happens"! --- Client : Je suis en train de m'inscrire sur votre site, mais je ne comprends pas tout... Hotline : D'accord, on va voir �a ensemble. Client : On me demande de saisir les coordonn�es de l'endroit d'o� j'appelle, un num�ro de t�l�phone... Je mets quoi ? Hotline (p�dagogue) : Vous mettez le num�ro de t�l�phone de l'endroit d'o� vous vous connectez...De chez vous quoi... Client : D'accord... Voil�... Ensuite, on me demande une ville... Hotline : Vous mettez les coordonn�es de l'endroit d'o� vous appelez. Client : Donc, je mets ma ville... Hotline : Oui... Client : Voil�... Et maintenant on me demande un code postal... Hotline : .. Client : All� ? je mets quoi ? Hotline (agac�) : Votre code postal ! Client (sinc�rement d�sol�) : Excusez-moi si je vous emb�te, mais je ne connais pas grand-chose l'informatique, vous savez... -- Hotline : D�crivez-moi votre �cran Client : Echap, F1, F2, F3.... Hotline : Non ! Ca c'est votre clavier ! L'�cran, c'est la t�l�.... Client : Vous me prenez pour un con l� ou je r�ve -- Hotline : ... Monsieur, faites CONTROL ALT SUPPR. Client : Ah oui, je connais �a. (on entend en fond : click click click....) Hotline : Que se passe-t-il � l'�cran Monsieur ? Client : Ben rien Hotline : Recommencez CONTROL ALT SUPPR (click click click click...) Et maintenant ? Client : Toujours rien... Hotline : Comment faites-vous la manipulation ? Client : Ben j'appuie sur les touches C,O,N,T,R,O,L et apr�s sur A,L,T, puis sur S,U,P,P et enfin R. Y faut peut-�tre l'accent sur CONTROL, non ? -- Client : Bonjour, j'ai mon Nescaf� qui ne marche pas... Hotline : Heu .. je suis d�sol� Madame, mais nous ne faisons pas de support pour les appareils �lectrom�nager... Client : Non, non !!! C'est Nescaf� pour Internet .. Hotline : (???)... Heu ??? Vous ne voulez pas parler de Netscape par hasard??? Client : Oui c'est bien �a ! Nescape... Nescaf�... c'est la m�me chose... pour se r�veiller le matin, rien de mieux qu'une bonne tasse de Netscape!!! --- Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype." The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such shortsighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specializes this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes." "The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs." "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)." The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after. --- Question: Pourquoi le poulet a-t-il travers� la route ? R�ponses: * UN PROFESSEUR: Pour aller de l'autre cot�. * PLATON: Pour son bien. * ARISTOTE: C'est dans la nature du poulet de traverser les routes. * KARL MARX: C'�tait historiquement in�vitable. * MARC BLONDEL: Parce que c'est le seul trajet que son entreprise lui accordait de prendre. * RONALD REAGAN: J'ai oubli�. * CAPITAINE JAMES T. KIRK: Pour aller l� o� aucun autre poulet n'�tait all� auparavant. * MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: J'ai la vision d'un monde o� tous les poulets seraient libres de traverser la route sans avoir � justifier leur acte. * MOISE: Et Dieu descendit du Paradis et Il dit au poulet "Tu dois traverser la route". Et le poulet traversa la route et il jubila. * ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. * RICHARD M. NIXON: Le poulet n'a pas travers� la route, je r�p�te, le poulet n'a PAS travers� la route. * FREUD: Le fait que vous vous pr�occupiez tous du fait que le poulet a travers� la route r�v�le votre sentiment d'ins�curit� sexuelle latente. * BILL GATES: Je viens juste de mettre au point le nouveau Poulet Office 98, qui ne se contentera pas seulement de traverser les routes, mais couvera aussi des oeufs, classera vos dossiers importants, et ? * DARWIN: Les poulets, au travers de longues p�riodes, ont �t� naturellement s�lectionn�s de telle sorte qu'ils soient g�n�tiquement enclins � traverser les routes. * EINSTEIN: Le fait que le poulet traverse la route ou que la route se meuve sous le poulet d�pend de votre r�f�rentiel. * BOUDDHA: Poser cette question renie votre propre nature de poulet. * ERNEST HEMINGWAY: Pour mourir. Sous la pluie. * HIPPOCRATE: A cause d'un exc�s de s�cr�tion de son pancr�as. * RAMBO: J'en ai rat� un ? --- This is a weird but true story (with a moral)... A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?" The Pontiac President was understandably sceptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighbourhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinnertime, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavour. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavour, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavours were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavour and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapour lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavours allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate. Moral of the story: inane looking problems are sometimes real. --- Knowledge is power (given) Power = Work/Time (from physics, as if management cares) Time is Money (given) Power = Work/Money (substitute equivalent quantities) Knowledge = Work/Money (substitute equivalent quantities) Money = Work/Knowledge (rearrange) As Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity - especially the harder you Work. Note that results obtained from your efforts do not enter into the equation. That does sound like management, doesn't it? - "Uncle Al" Schwartz --- Two Digits for a Date -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale Of the doom that is our fate. That started when programmers used Two digits for a date. Two digits for a date. Main memory was smaller then; Hard disks were smaller, too. "Four digits are extravagant, So let's get by with two. So let's get by with two." "This works through 1999," The programmers did say. "Unless we rewrite before that It all will go away. It all will go away." But Management had not a clue: "It works fine now, you bet! A rewrite is a straight expense; We won't do it just yet. We won't do it just yet." Now when 2000 rolls around It all goes straight to @#%&, For zero's less than ninety-nine, As anyone can tell. As anyone can tell. The mail won't bring your pension check It won't be sent to you When you're no longer sixty-eight, But minus thirty-two. But minus thirty-two. The problems we're about to face Are frightening, for sure. And reading every line of code's The only certain cure. The only certain cure. [key change, big finish] There's not much time, There's too much code. (And Cobol-coders, few) When the century is finished with, We may be finished, too. We may be finished, too. Eight thousand years from now I hope That things weren't left too late, And people aren't then lamenting Four digits for a date. Four digits for a date. --- La plus vieille profession... Un chirurgien, un ing�nieur du g�nie civil et un informaticien discutent. Chacun cherche � montrer que son m�tier est le plus ancien. Le chirurgien: "Dans la Gen�se, il est dit que Dieu fit Eve avec une c�te d'Adam. C'est bien une op�ration chirurgicale, �a. C'est la chirurgie la plus ancienne. "Ah, ouais ?", fait l'ing�nieur. "Et avant de cr�er Adam et Eve, Dieu avait cr�� la Terre, enfin tout l'univers � partir du chaos. C'est du g�nie civil, �a?" ... l'informaticien se marre : " Et le chaos, hein, qui l'a invent� ?" --- Occupational Descriptions An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter) A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin) A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka) A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. --- 1. If anything can go wrong, Fix It! (To hell with Murphy) 2. When given a choice-Take both! 3. Multiple projects lead to multiple successes. 4. Start at the top and work your way up. 5. Do it by the book ... but be the author. 6. When forced to compromise, ask for more. 7. If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them. 8. If it's worth doing, it's got to be done right now. 9. If you can't win, change the rules. 10. If you can't change the rules, then ignore them. 11. Perfection is not optional. 12. When faced with a challenge, make one. 13. "No" simple means begin again at one level higher. 14. Don't walk when you can run. 15. Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary. 16. When in doubt, Think! 17. Patience is a virtue, but persistence to the point of success is a blessing. 18. The squeaky wheel gets replaced. 19. The faster you move, the slower time passes, the longer you live. --- A ma gauche, les termes anglais, utilises par tout le monde. A ma droite, les termes de l'Academie Francaise ou du Journal Officiel correspondants. Firewall Ecluse Shareware Partagiciel Plugin Plugiciel Freeware Graticiel Hacker Finaud Browser Brouteur, butineur E-mail Mel CD-ROM c�d�rom Chat Babillard Chat mode Babillardage Swap Permutation Polling Scrutation Debugger Epepineur Encapsulation Emmaillotage Flame (to) Attaquer au lance-flammes HTML Langage Hyper Descriptatif a Ferrets patch (to) Rustiner Smiley Souriard, Mimique, Emoticon, Rictus, Facies, Binette, Souriant Thread Enfilade Virus Fragment infectieux de code necessitant un programme hote WWW Hypertoile WYSIWYG VISualisation Imitant Virtuellement une Impression Graphique Pour nous, la France avance... par exemple : J'ai lance le brouteur de Rose qui a refuse de demarrer. Je pense qu'il est infecte par un Fragment infectieux de code necessitant un programme hote. Avec l'epepineur je n'ai rien vu. Il faut dire qu'avec l'emmaillotage de axmth on ne peut pas savoir si le programme a ete rustine ou pas. J'ai essaye d'envoyer un mel au support mais il y a un probleme d'ecluse. L'Hypertoile est inaccessible. J'en ai marre de ces graticiels, ils ne sont meme pas multi-enfilade ! Je vais demande a un de mes finaud de me trouver un meilleur partagiciel ... --- Project Manager... It's a name used synonomously with scapegoat. --- An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. --- A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." --- Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off. -- Anonymous --- Scientists have recently discovered the nature of the 'force'. If it holds the universe together, and has a light side and a dark side, then the 'force' must be duct tape. --- "Is it supposed to make a noise like that?" Sigh. --- MANAGEMENT BY GOVERNMENT ... no ideas of profit, break-even-point and return of investment (ROI for the connaisseur!) MANAGEMENT BY SWISS CHEESE ... If the marketing concept has holes and gaps ! ANAGEMENT BY METHUSALEM .. old ! MANAGEMENT BY HIPPOPOTAMUS .. a big mouth, water up to the neck but still afloat ! MANAGEMENT BY CAVIAR . Highly expensive with little return ! MANAGEMENT BY 32ND DECEMBER .. impossible MANAGEMENT BY CHURCH .. Believing, praying but not acting ! MANAGEMENT BY PAMPERS ... if mgt is sqeaky clean outside but full of jerk inside ! MANAGEMENT BY CHAMPIGNON ... If management cuts off the heads which grow too high ! MANAGEMENT BY WHISKY ...If management believes the older is the better...! MANAGEMENT BY SHAKESPEARE ...much ado about nothing ! --- Looking at this world, God is not longer satisfied with mankind. He convokes three of the most important men on earth to an audience: Boris Jelzin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates. After a long session, the three return to earth. Boris Jelzin immediately calls the die Duma into Kremlin. Everybody�s curious, nervous. Boris begins: "Gentlemen, I�ve two bad news to tell you. One is, God exists. The other is, the second day of december 1999 will be the end of this world." Washington, same time. Bill Clinton calls the Senate to the While House. Knowing where he has been, even the Republicans forget about their principles and bring Monica along. Bill glances at her very briefly, then he begins: "Ladies and Gentlemen, dear fellows, I have the mission to transmit a good and a bad news to you. The good one is, God exists. The bad one is, the second day of december 1999 will be the end of this world." By this time, the other Bill - Bill Gates - has arrived at his headquarters in Redmont. He calls his people into the cantina, climbs on a table (as usual) and starts to yell: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I�ve three good news for you! One, I�m one of the three most important men on earth! Two, God exists! And three, the y2k problem is resolved!" --- Time Management A while back I was reading about an expert on subject of time management. One day this expert was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some more things into it!" "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." What are the 'big rocks' in your life? A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your finances? A cause? Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. So, tonight or in the morning when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life or business? Then, put those in your jar first. --- In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. In prison you get three square meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for that. In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. At work you must carry a security card to unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard unlocks and opens the doors for you. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your friends and family to visit. At work you can't even speak to your friends and family on the phone. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out to go to the bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work the managers take care of that. --- Lets see how intelligent you are, with out looking at the answers down the page� This is the �Official GENIUS Test.� It�s based upon typical graduation requirements at �The University of Hard Knocks�. It separates the dumb people from the really dumb people. Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down andcheck your answers. Don�t cheat! When you are done, count the number correct and see how you compare to others. OK, here we go... 1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? 4. How many outs are there in an inning? 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow�s sister? 6. Take the number 30, divide it by �, and then add 10. What do you get? 7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with? 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last? 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left? 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark? 11. A butcher in the market is 5�-10� tall. What does he weigh? 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 13. What was the (US) President�s name in 1960? **** NO CHEATING **** So how do you think you did? Here are the answers.... 1. Yes. It comes right after the 3rd. 2. One (1). You can only be born once. 3. Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 4. Six (6). Don�t forget there is a top and bottom to every inning. 5. No. He must be dead if it is his widow! 6. Seventy (70). 30 divided by � is 60. 7. Two (2). You take two apple...therefore, YOU have TWO apples. 8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an hour has passed. 9. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die. 10. None. I didn�t know that Moses had an ark? 11. Meat...that is self-explanatory. 12. Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it�s a dozen! 13. Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn�t changed his name. So, how did you do? 13 correct....GENIUS....you are good! 10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE....but don�t let it go to your head 7-9 correct....AVERAGE....but who wants to be average? 4-6 correct....SLOW....pay attention to the question 1-3 correct....IDIOT....what else can I say 0 correct....CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!! --- Wie verschiedene Berufsgruppen bei der Elefantenjagd vorgehen: INFORMATIKER jagen Elefanten, indem sie Algorithmus A ausf�hren: { Gehe nach Afrika Beginne am Kap der guten Hoffnung Durchkreuze Afrika von S�den nach Norden bidirektional in Ost-West-Richtung F�r jedes Durchkreuzen tue { Fange jedes Tier, das Du siehst Vergleiche jedes gefangene Tier mit einem als Elefant bekannten Tier Halte an bei �bereinstimmung } } ERFAHRENE PROGRAMMIERER ver�ndern Algorithmus A, indem sie ein als Elefant bekanntes Tier in Kairo plazieren, damit das Programm in jedem Fall korrekt beendet wird. ASSEMBLER-PROGRAMMIERER bevorzugen die Ausf�hrung von Algorithmus A auf H�nden und Knien. SQL-PROGRAMMIERER verwenden folgenden Ausdruck: SELECT Elefant FROM Afrika. NATURAL-PROGRAMMIERER lassen sich von ADABAS einen Elefanten bringen. LOGO-PROGRAMMIERER reiten durch Afrika auf ihrer Schildkr�te. COBOL-PROGRAMMIERER tun dies auf einem Dinosaurier. BASIC-PROGRAMMIERER bevorzugen jedoch einen mit Samt ausgepolsterten Einsp�nner, bei dem die Bremsen st�ndig angezogen sind. C-PROGRAMMIERER bestimmen zuerst mit sizeof() die n�tige Speichermenge f�r einen Elefanten, versuchen diese zu allokieren, vergessen dabei das Ergebnis abzupr�fen und schie�en dann mit wilden Pointern auf den Elefanten. C++-PROGRAMMIERER bestehen darauf, da� der Elefant eine Klasse sei, und somit schlie�lich seine Fang-Methoden selbst mitzubringen habe. Und wenn der Elefant Afrika verlassen sollte, dann wird ja automatisch sein Destruktor ausgeloest. PASCAL-PROGRAMMIERER markieren zuerst einen Punkt auf der Landkarte, schreiben dann END davor und tr�umen davon, da� Nikolaus Wirth von einem Elefanten totgetrampelt wird. MODULA-PROGRAMMIERER importieren einen Elefanten aus/von einem Zoo. LISP-PROGRAMMIERER bauen einen Irrgarten aus Klammern und hoffen, da� sich der Elefant darin verirrt. MATHEMATIKER jagen Elefanten, indem sie nach Afrika gehen, alles entfernen, was nicht Elefant ist, und ein Element der Restmenge fangen. ERFAHRENE MATHEMATIKER werden zun�chst versuchen, die Existenz mindestens eines eineindeutigen Elefanten zu beweisen, bevor sie mit obigem als untergeordneter �bungsaufgabe fortfahren. MATHEMATIKPROFESSOREN beweisen die Existenz mindestens eines eineindeutigen Elefanten und �berlassen dann das Aufsp�ren und Einfangen eines tats�chlichen Elefanten ihren Studenten. INGENIEURE jagen Elefanten, indem sie nach Afrika gehen, jedes graue Tier fangen, das ihnen �ber den Weg l�uft, und es als Elefant mitnehmen, wenn das Gewicht nicht mehr als 15% von dem eines vorher gefangenen Elefanten abweicht. WIRTSCHAFTSWISSENSCHAFTLER jagen keine Elefanten. Aber sie sind fest davon �berzeugt, da� die Elefanten sich selber stellen w�rden, wenn man ihnen nur genug bezahlt. STATISTIKER jagen das erste Tier, das sie sehen, n-mal und nennen es Elefant. UNTERNEHMENSBERATER jagen keine Elefanten. Und viele haben noch niemals �berhaupt irgendetwas gejagt. Aber man kann sie stundenweise engagieren, um sich gute Ratschl�ge geben zu lassen. SYSTEMANALYTIKER w�ren theoretisch in der Lage, die Korrelation zwischen Hutgroesse und Trefferquote bei der Elefantenjagd zu bestimmen, wenn Ihnen nur jemand sagen w�rde, was ein Elefant ist. SAP-SYSTEMINGENIEURE erkl�ren das erstbeste Tier zu einem Elefanten und passen Ihre Vorstellungen eines Elefanten an dieses Tier an. MICROSOFT kauft einen Elefanten aus dem Zoo in Seattle, kopiert ihn massenhaft, redet aller Welt ein, da� jeder einen br�uchte und da� dieser die ideale Erg�nzung zu MS Office sei, und exportiert 14 Mio. St�ck nachAfrika. --- Parti faire une croisi�re en solitaire autour du monde, un jeune cadre dynamique fait naufrage et �choue finalement sur une petite �le perdue au milieu du Pacifique. Il survit pendant quatre mois dans des conditions particuli�rement pr�caires, se nourrissant exclusivement de bananes. Un jour toutefois, il aper�oit depuis la plage une embarcation a l'in�rieur de laquelle se trouve la plus jolie fille qu'il ait jamais vue. Il lui fait des signes et elle d�barque sur la plage. Notre homme lui demande aussit�t: "Mais d'ou venez-vous ?" Et la superbe cr�ature lui explique: "j'habite de l'autre c�te de cette �le, j'ai fait naufrage moi aussi il y a maintenant trois ans..." L'homme: "Heureusement que vous aviez cette barque pour vous en tirer !" La fille: "Non, ce cano�, je l'ai fabrique moi-m�me avec les mat�riaux que j'ai trouve sur l'�le." Le jeune cadre demande: "Mais... avec quels outils ?" a jeune femme explique: "J'ai d�couvert sur l'�le un type de pierre poreuse facile a sculpter. J'ai aussi trouve un type d'arbre dont le bois est suffisamment souple pour �tre mall�able... En associant ces deux mat�riaux, j'ai pu concevoir un outillage assez performant. Vous voulez voir ?" Les deux naufrages font alors le tour de l'�le pour d�barquer devant un superbe bungalow peint en rouge et bleu. L'homme en perd presque l'�quilibre. Il demande: "Vous avez const ruit �a vous m�me ?" Et l'h�tesse des lieux explique: "Oui, ce n'est pas grand chose mais c'est mon petit "chez moi"..." En entrant dans le bungalow, l'homme est sid�r� par le d�cor harmonieux et tous les �quipements fa�onnes a la main. La jeune femme lui propose alors de boire quelque chose mais voyant le verre qu'elle lui tend, l'homme refuse poliment: "Non, vous savez le lait de noix de coco, je ne peux plus le sentir." Et la jeune femme: "Mais go�tez donc, c'est du gin. J'en ai quelques bouteilles en r�serve..." Encore une fois, l'homme n'en revient pas... La jeune femme dit alors: "Vous voulez prendre une douche et vous raser ? Il y a un cabinet de toilettes et un rasoir a l'�tage. Pendant ce temps, je vais enfiler une tenue pl us l�g�re pour �tre a l'aise." Compl�tement fascine, le jeune homme ne pose plus de questions et part se doucher. Un peu plus tard, la jeune femme r�appara�t dans un d�shabill� �l�gant et tr�s suggestif... Elle s'assoit sur un divan moelleux qu'elle a confectionne elle-m�me et invite son nouvel ami a venir s'asseoir pres d'elle. En le regardant d'un air doux, elle lui dit alors: "Dites moi, vous �tes seul depuis si longtemps sur cette �le perdue. Je suis sure que quelque chose pourrait vous faire un immense plaisir. Quelque chose que vous n'avez pas pu faire depuis de si longs mois et qui vous d�mange..." L'homme n'en croit pas ses oreilles et r�pond: "Vous voulez dire... Ne me dites pas... Je peux recevoir mes e-mails aussi ?" --- The Evolution of a Programmer ----------------------------- High School/Jr.High =================== 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 20 END First year in College ===================== program Hello(input, output) begin writeln('Hello World') end. Senior year in College ====================== (defun hello (print (cons 'Hello (list 'World)))) New professional ================ #include void main(void) { char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"}; int i; for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i) printf("%s", message[i]); printf("\n"); } Seasoned professional ===================== #include #include class string { private: int size; char *ptr; public: string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {} string(const string &s) : size(s.size) { ptr = new char[size + 1]; strcpy(ptr, s.ptr); } ~string() { delete [] ptr; } friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &); string &operator=(const char *); }; ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s) { return(stream << s.ptr); } string &string::operator=(const char *chrs) { if (this != &chrs) { delete [] ptr; size = strlen(chrs); ptr = new char[size + 1]; strcpy(ptr, chrs); } return(*this); } int main() { string str; str = "Hello World"; cout << str << endl; return(0); } Master Programmer ================= [ uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) ] library LHello { // bring in the master library importlib("actimp.tlb"); importlib("actexp.tlb"); importlib("actexp.tlb"); // bring in my interfaces #include "pshlo.idl" [ uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) ] cotype THello { interface IHello; interface IPersistFile; }; }; [ exe, uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) ] module CHelloLib { // some code related header files importheader(); importheader(); importheader(); importheader("pshlo.h"); importheader("shlo.hxx"); importheader("mycls.hxx"); // needed typelibs importlib("actimp.tlb"); importlib("actexp.tlb"); importlib("thlo.tlb"); [ uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820), aggregatable ] coclass CHello { cotype THello; }; }; #include "ipfix.hxx" extern HANDLE hEvent; class CHello : public CHelloBase { public: IPFIX(CLSID_CHello); CHello(IUnknown *pUnk); CHello(IUnknown *pUnk); ~CHello(); HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString); private: static int cObjRef; }; #include #include #include #include #include "thlo.h" #include "pshlo.h" #include "shlo.hxx" #include "mycls.hxx" int CHello::cObjRef = 0; CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk) { cObjRef++; return; } HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString) { printf("%ws\n", pwszString); return(ResultFromScode(S_OK)); } CHello::~CHello(void) { // when the object count goes to zero, stop the server cObjRef--; if( cObjRef == 0 ) PulseEvent(hEvent); return; } #include #include #include "pshlo.h" #include "shlo.hxx" #include "mycls.hxx" HANDLE hEvent; int _cdecl main( int argc, char * argv[] ) { ULONG ulRef; DWORD dwRegistration; CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF(); hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL); // Initialize the OLE libraries CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED); CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER, REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration); // wait on an event to stop WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE); // revoke and release the class object CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration); ulRef = pCF->Release(); // Tell OLE we are going away. CoUninitialize(); return(0); } extern CLSID CLSID_CHello; extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib; CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */ 0x2573F891, 0xCFEE, 0x101A, { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 } }; UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */ 0x2573F890, 0xCFEE, 0x101A, { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 } }; #include #include #include #include #include #include "pshlo.h" #include "shlo.hxx" #include "clsid.h" int _cdecl main( int argc, char * argv[] char * argv[] ) { HRESULT hRslt; IHello *pHello; ULONG ulCnt; IMoniker * pmk; WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH]; WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH]; // get object path wcsPath[0] = '\0'; wcsT[0] = '\0'; if( argc > 1) { mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1); wcsupr(wcsPath); } else { fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n"); return(1); } // get print string if(argc > 2) mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1); else wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World"); printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath); printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT); // Initialize the OLE libraries hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED); if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) { hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk); if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello); if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) { // print a string out pHello->PrintSz(wcsT); Sleep(2000); ulCnt = pHello->Release(); } else printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt); // Tell OLE we are going away. CoUninitialize(); } return(0); return(0); } Apprentice Hacker =================== #!/usr/local/bin/perl $msg="Hello, world.\n"; if ($#ARGV >= 0) { while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) { $outfilename = $arg; open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n"; print (FILE $msg); close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n"; } } else { print ($msg); } 1; Experienced Hacker =================== #include #define S "Hello, World\n" main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);} Seasoned Hacker =================== % cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c % a.out Guru Hacker =================== % cat Hello, world. ^D New Manager =================== 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 20 END Middle Manager =================== mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12 Gill, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."? I need it by tomorrow. ^D Senior Manager =================== % zmail Gill I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon. Chief Executive =================== % letter letter: Command not found. % mail To: ^X ^F ^C % help mail help: Command not found. % damn! !: Event unrecognized % logout --- "By the way, it's not binaries, it's Perl code. Sometimes they look confusingly similar." - Pavel Roskin --- Un corbeau est perch� sur un arbre, � ne rien faire de toute la journ�e. Un petit lapin rep�re le corbeau, et lui demande : "Moi aussi, tu crois que je peux m'asseoir comme toi, et ne rien faire de toute la journ�e ?" Le corbeau lui r�pond: "Bien s�r, pourquoi ne pourrais-tu pas ?" Le lapin s'assoit alors par terre sous l'arbre, et reste l� � se reposer. Quand tout a coup, un renard appara�t, se jette sur le lapin, et le d�vore. Moralit� : si vous voulez rester assis � ne rien faire, mieux vaut �tre tr�s haut plac�. --- There are three types of programmers: those who can count and those who can't. --- An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. No letters can be used twice or left out. The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out there either has *way* too much time on their hands or is deadly at Scrabble). Word/Phrase Anagram ------------------------------------------------------- Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil's Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it This one is *truly* amazing: "To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." -> "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." And for a contemporary one: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." (Neil Armstrong, on the moon) -> "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! to Mars!" --- Ten ways to kill an idea ... quickly: 1. Yes, but ... 2. We've tried that before. 3. It won't work. 4. Don't rock the boat. 5. It's not in the budget. 6. Put it in writing. 7. The boss will never go for it. 8. I'll get a committee to look into it. 9. If it ain't broken, don't fix it. 10. We've always done it this way. --- Five Pitfalls to Innovation: 1. Solving the Wrong Problem (we solve the problem we define). 2. Judging Ideas too quickly (using killer phrases) 3. Stopping with the first good idea (the first ideas come from "inside the box"). 4. Failure to get a sponsor (get the "bandit" on the train). 5. Obeying rules that don't exist (shooting ourselves in the foot). --- Windows 98 SE ? Sixteenth Edition. --- Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [OK] --- There is no truth to the rumor that the next version of Windows is behind schedule because someone accidentally made it compatible with previous versions. --- "The old saying goes, you can't fool all the people all of the time. The modern solution: If you can't fool 'em, sue 'em!" (from a Slashdot.org discussion) --- "Windows 95: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition." --- I don't do .INI, .BAT, or .SYS files. I don't assign apps to files. I don't configure peripherals or networks before using them. I have a computer to do all that. I have a Macintosh, not a hobby." (Fritz Anderson) --- Voici la description des plus dangereux virus circulant sur le web... virus "France Info" : vous balance un jingle stressant toutes les 15 minutes. virus "Droit � la Vie" : vous emp�che d'effacer un fichier et vous traite d'assassin si vous essayez de le faire. virus "Politiquement correct" pr�cise toutes les minutes qu'il n'est pas un virus mais un "micro-organisme �lectronique". virus "Slim Fast" : r�duit la capacit� de votre disque dur � 20 Mo. virus "Richard Virenque" : fait appara�tre plein de messages sur l'�cran, mais vous n'en croyez pas un seul. virus "Sectes" : vous isole totalement de tous les r�seaux, ruine l'�quilibre de votre syst�me et pr�tend que c'est pour votre bien. virus "NRJ" : une page de pub appara�t toutes les trente secondes � l'�cran. virus "Alzheimer" : fait perdre la m�moire � votre ordinateur. virus "Suisse allemand" : Y'a kek chos' qui kloch avec fotre komputer, mais fous safez pas c'est koi ! virus "OMO" : rend les couleurs de WIndows encore plus brillantes. virus "Administration" : divise votre disque dur en petites entit�s qui ne font absolument rien mais qui pr�tendent toutes �tre les parties les plus importantes de votre ordinateur. virus "Star Treck" : explore votre disque dur et va se loger l� o� aucun fichier n'est encore jamais all�. --- Un jour, alors qu'elle marchait dans la rue, une femme, une Cadre a qui tout reussit est tragiquement heurt�e par un autobus et meurt. Son �me arrive au Paradis ou elle est accueillie par St Pierre. "Bienvenue au Paradis", dit St Pierre. "Avant de vous installer ici, il semble que nous ayions un probleme. Voyez-vous, c'est plutot etonnant mais nous n'avons jamais eu de femme 'cadre' jusqu'ici et nous ne sommes pas tout a fait surs de ce que nous devons faire de vous". - "Aucun probleme, laissez-moi simplement entrer", dit la femme. - "J'aimerais bien mais j'ai des ordres qui viennent d'en haut. Ce que nous allons faire, c'est vous laisser passer un jour en Enfer et un jour au Paradis et ainsi vous pourrez choisir ou vous voudrez passer l'�ternit�." - "Je pense que j'ai d�ja fait mon choix... Je pr�f�re rester au Paradis", dit la femme. - "D�sol�, mais nous avons des regles... ". Et ainsi St Pierre emmena la femme cadre dans un ascenceur qui descendit en Enfer. Les portes s'ouvrirent et elle se retrouva sur le green d'un terrain de golf magnifique. Un peu plus loin, il y avait le country club et devant, tous ses amis, bien habill�s, qui l'acclamerent. Ils s'approcherent, l'embrasserent et parlerent du bon vieux temps. Ils firent un excellent parcours de golf et, le soir, allerent au country club ou ils degusterent un excellent steak et du homard. La femme rencontra le Diable qui est r�ellement quelqu'un de charmant et elle passa un merveilleux moment a raconter des histoires et a danser. Elle passa un si bon moment qu'avant qu'elle ne s'en rende compte, il etait temps de partir. Tout le monde lui serra la main, lui fit au revoir et elle monta dans l'ascenceur. Celui-ci retourna au Paradis et elle retrouva St Pierre. - "Maintenant, vous allez passer un jour au Paradis", dit-il. Elle passa ainsi les 24 heures suivantes allong�e paresseusement sur les nuages a jouer de la harpe et a chanter.Elle passa un si bon moment qu'avant qu'elle ne s'en rende compte les 24 heures etaient pass�es et St Pierre etait de retour pour l'emmener. - "Alors, vous avez pass� un jour en Enfer et un jour au Paradis. Maintenant, vous devez choisir pour l'�ternit�", dit-il. La femme reflechit un instant et repondit : - "Et bien, je n'aurais jamais cru que je dirais ceci, le Paradis est vraiment bien mais je crois que je me plairai plus en Enfer." Alors, St Pierre l'escorta jusqu'a l'ascenceur et elle descendit � nouveau en Enfer. Quand les portes de l'ascenceur s'ouvrirent, elle se retrouva dans un paysage d�sol� plein d'immondices. Elle vit ses amis v�tus de haillons ramassant les salet�s pour les mettre dans des sacs. Le Diable vint vers elle et lui mit la main sur l'epaule. - "Je ne comprends pas, balbutie la femme, hier j'etais ici et il y avait un parcours de golf et un country club et nous avons mang� du homard et nous avons dans� et nous nous sommes bien amus�s. Maintenant, c'est un desert d'immondices et tous mes amis semblent mis�rables." Le Diable la regarda et sourit : - "Vous etes Cadre, vous devriez connaitre le principe : "Hier nous vous recrutions. Aujourd'hui, vous faites partie du personnel". --- Mac Donald, l'embauche Voici les r�ponses d'un candidat pour un dossier d'embauche chez McDonald. "On dit" que c'est une histoire vraie et l'auteur du dossier a parait-il �t� embauch� ! NOM, PRENOM : Jancqueur, Herv� AGE: 28 ans POSITION DEMANDEE : Horizontale le plus souvent possible. Plus s�rieusement, n'importe quoi. Si j'avais vraiment la possibilit� d'�tre exigeant, je ne serais pas ici. PRETENTIONS DE SALAIRE : 800 KF par an plus 3% des actions de la compagnie payable d'avance. Si �a n'est pas possible, faites-moi une proposition, nous n�gocierons. EDUCATION: Oui. DERNIER EMPLOI OCCUPE : Cible de pr�dilection pour un cadre moyen sadique. MONTANT DU DERNIER SALAIRE : Beaucoup moins que ma valeur r�elle. REALISATIONS NOTOIRES : (dans le cadre de cet emploi) : Une incroyable collection de stylos voles, exhib�e en ce moment dans mon appartement. RAISONS DU DEPART : Voir question 6. HORAIRES DE DISPONIBILITE : N'importe quand. HORAIRES SOUHAITES De 13 a 15 heures, lundi, mardi et jeudi. AVEZ-VOUS DES DISPOSITIONS PARTICULIERES ? Oui, on me l'a fait comprendre. Mais elles s'expriment beaucoup mieux dans un environnement plus intime qu'un fast-food. POUVONS-NOUS CONTACTER VOTRE EMPLOYEUR ACTUEL ? Si j'en avais un, je ne serais pas ici. VOTRE CONDITION PHYSIQUE VOUS EMPECHE-T-ELLE DE SOULEVER PLUS DE 20 KG ? Ca d�pend, 20 Kg de quoi ? AVEZ-VOUS UNE VOITURE ? Oui. Mais la question est mal formul�e. Il faudrait plut�t demander : "Avez-vous une voiture en �tat de rouler?" La r�ponse serait sans doute diff�rente. AVEZ-VOUS DEJA REMPORTE UN CONCOURS OU OBTENU UNE DISTINCTION ? Pas de distinction mais j'ai d�j� obtenu deux fois les 3 bons num�ros au loto. EST-CE QUE VOUS FUMEZ ? Seulement lorsqu'on m'embrase. QUE SOUHAITEZ-VOUS FAIRE DANS CINQ ANS ? Vivre aux Bahamas avec un top-model richissime et qui m'adore. A dire vrai, j'aimerais m�me faire cela des maintenant si vous avez une solution. CERTIFIEZ-VOUS QUE TOUS LES RENSEIGNEMENTS CI-DESSUS SONT EXACTS ? Non, mais je vous d�fie de prouver le contraire. QUELLE EST LA MOTIVATION PRINCIPALE DE VOTRE CANDIDATURE ? J'ai deux versions un peu contradictoires : 1. L'amour des causes justes, l'humanisme et un d�sir profond d'aider mon prochain a se restaurer, ou 2. Un fort endettement. A votre avis ? --- Vous en avez vraiment assez des ann�es 1990 si: 1. Vous essayez d'entrer un mot de passe quand vous mettez votre micro-ondes en marche. 2. Ca fait plusieurs ann�es que vous n'avez plus fait une r�ussite avec un jeu de cartes en papier. 3. Pour demander a votre voisin de bureau s'il veut aller boire une bi�re avec vous apr�s le boulot, vous lui envoyez un mail, et s'il vous r�pond, �galement par mail, " OK laisse moi 5 minutes ". 4. Chaque membre de votre famille vous a donn� au moins 3 num�ros de t�l�phone auquel on a une chance de l'attraper. 5. Vous discutez �prement via un forum avec un type habitant en Am�rique du sud, alors que vous n'avez jamais dit bonjour a votre voisin de palier. 6. Quand vous achetez un nouvel ordinateur, vous regrettez l'achat une semaine plus tard, parce que vous vous rendez compte que vous avez pay� cher pour un truc d�j� d�pass�. 7. Quand vous perdez un copain de vue, c'est parce qu'il n'a pas d'adresse E-mail. 8. Vous ignorez combien co�te un timbre-poste. 9. Vous vous croyez un type organis� parce qu'il y a plein de Post-It multicolores coll�s partout autour de votre �cran d'ordinateur. 10. La plupart des blagues que vous connaissez, vous les avez re�ues par mail ou lues sur Internet. 11. Quand vous d�crochez le t�l�phone, le soir a la maison, vous annoncez le nom de votre entreprise avant de dire " bonsoir ". 12. Quand vous voulez t�l�phoner de chez vous, vous commencez par appuyer sur " 0 " pour obtenir la communication ext�rieure. 13. Ca fait 4 ans que vous travaillez assis au m�me bureau, mais votre bo�te a chang� 3 fois de nom. 14. Le logo de votre bo�te change d'ailleurs de look 3 fois par an. 15. Le plus grand drame pour vous, quand Windows se plante, c'est que toutes les images qu'il y a sur le "Bureau" disparaissent. 16. Vous partez bosser le matin dans le noir, et vous rentrez le soir dans le noir aussi, m�me en �t�. 17. Sur votre ordinateur, il y a un programme qui vous annonce chaque matin combien il vous reste de jours a tirer avant la retraite. 18. Depuis des ann�es, vous tendez �perdument l'oreille quand vous entendez prononcer le mot " cong� ". 19. Quand on demande a vos parents ce que vous faites dans la vie, ils r�pondent: " Il travaille devant un ordinateur ". 20. La meilleure image que vous avez de votre gosse, c'est celle du fichier JPEG que vous gardez dans un coin du " Bureau " de votre ordinateur. Enfin : Vous venez de lire cette liste en vous r�p�tant sans cesse : " merde, c'est vrai... " ET Vous vous demandez d�j� a qui vous allez forwarder ce mail. --- Parce que je suis un homme Parce que je suis un homme, je dois avoir la t�l�commande � la main lorsque je regarde la t�l�. Si elle a �t� �gar�e, je peux manquer une �mission enti�re pendant que je la cherche. Quoi que j'aie r�ussi une fois � survivre en tenant une calculatrice. Parce que je suis un homme, si jamais j'enferme mes clefs dans la voiture, je vais triturer la serrure avec un fil de fer et t'ignorer quand tu sugg�re d'appeler un d�panneur encore longtemps apr�s l'apparition des premiers sympt�mes de l'hypothermie. Oh, et si la voiture ne roule pas bien, je vais lever le capot, et regarder fixement le moteur comme si j'y comprenais quelque chose. Si un autre homme survient l'un d'entre nous dira � l'autre " Dans le temps je savais r�parer ces trucs l�, mais maintenant avec tous leurs ordinateurs et machins du style je sais plus par o� commencer ". Ensuite nous boirons des bi�res. Parce que je suis un homme, quand j'attrape un rhume, j'ai besoin de quelqu'un pour m'apporter du bouillon et pour s'occuper de moi pendant que je reste au lit en g�missant faiblement. Tu n'est jamais aussi malade que moi, donc ceci ne te concerne donc pas directement. Parce que je suis un homme, on peut compter sur moi pour faire les courses de base tel que le pain ou le lait. On ne peut pas compter sur moi pour trouver des articles exotiques tel que du " cumin" ou du "tofu" pour tout ce que j'en sais c'est la m�me chose. Et ne t'attend jamais, quelles que soient les circonstances � ce que je prenne un produit pour "hygi�ne f�minine". Parce que je suis un homme, si un de nos appareils m�nager cesse de fonctionner, je vais insister pour le d�monter. Et ceci malgr� le fait que je sache parfaitement que �a va me co�ter deux fois plus cher quand finalement je c�derai et laisserai le r�parateur le remonter. Parce que je suis un homme, je ne pense pas que nous soyons perdus, et non je n'ai pas l'intention d'arr�ter la voiture et de demander � quelqu'un. Pourquoi devrais-je �couter un parfait inconnu et d'ailleurs comment diable veux-tu que lui sache o� nous allons ? Parce que je suis un homme, il n'y a aucune raison de me demander � quoi je pense. La r�ponse est toujours ou les femmes ou le foot. Mais tes questions me forcent toujours � devoir inventer autre chose. Alors arr�te s'il te pla�t. Parce que je suis un homme, je n'ai pas envie de rendre visite � ta m�re, ni qu'elle vienne nous rendre visite, ni lui parler quand elle t�l�phone ou m�me penser � elle plus que le strict n�cessaire. Quoi que tu lui aie acheter pour la f�te des m�res est bien, je n'ai pas besoin de le voir. Au fait as-tu penser � prendre quelque chose pour ma m�re au passage. Parce que je suis un homme, je suis parfaitement capable d'annoncer sinc�rement " Une derni�re bi�re et il faut vraiment que j'y aille ", en le pensant r�ellement. M�me quand le bar est entrain de fermer et que mes potes et moi devons partir � la recherche d'un autre. Je vais trouver de plus en plus dr�le de faire appeler mes amis pour qu'ils te disent que je vais pas tarder � rentrer et non je ne comprends pas pourquoi tu a jet� tous mes habits sur le gazon. O� est le rapport ? Parce que je suis un homme, il n'est pas n�cessaire de me demander si j'ai aim� le film. Si tu est entrain de pleurer alors il y a de fortes chances que non. Parce que je suis un homme, oui je dois mettre la radio � fond quand passe une chanson de Bruce Springsteen ou des Doors. Et oui je dois aussi te dire a chaque fois que Bruce est la seule personne a avoir eut sa photo en couverture du Newsweek et du Time le m�me jour ou que Jim Morrison est enterr� � Paris et que tout le monde visite sa tombe. Et cesse de te comporter comme si tu ne trouvais pas �a fascinant. Parce que je suis un homme, je trouve que ce que tu portes est tr�s bien. Je trouvais ce que tu portais il y a 5 minutes �tait tr�s bien aussi. N'importe laquelle des deux paires de chaussures est tr�s bien. C'est tr�s bien avec ou sans la ceinture. Tes cheveux sont tr�s bien. Tu es tr�s bien. Bon, on peut y aller l�? Parce que je suis un homme, et qu'il est vrai que nous sommes maintenant dans les ann�es 90, je vais partager �quitablement les taches m�nag�res avec toi. Toi tu feras la lessive, la cuisine, les sols, le repassage et la vaisselle. Moi je ferais le reste. --- Dear Friends, This is the ultimate online-dictionary of S�dhessisch-English. It's purpose is to increase the understanding of that southhessian culture in the center of Germany. Southhesse is the region between Frankfurt/Main in the north and Mannheim in the south, from the Rhine to the east of the mountains of the Odenwald. This wild region starts right behind the fence of the airport Frankfurt/Main.Any foreign passenger getting outside the secure airport will be happy, if he is able to express his wishes and needs. - Ei gude wie!? Hello! How are you? - Unn? What's going on? - Hinne anne geihts no Branne! The way to Brandau (village in the Odenwald) starts at the backside (of the house)! - Kumm Hoiner, steck derr a ao o? Do you wan't to smoke, Henrik? - Wos hattan da de Pappa da? What helds the father in his hand? - Kummschd uff Pingschd uff Pungschd? Do you come on whitsun to Pfungstadt? - Alla, isch mach weirer! Good bye! - sch glaab s'geiht lous! Are you nuts? - Aa horsch e mol! Listen to this! - Prodoneworscht bread without meat - Du ahdle babbsagg! You suck! - Heinz Schenk David Bowie - Hannebambel! Stupid person! - H�? Excuse me Sir, could you please be so kind as to repeat your statement. I couldn't hear you well. - Schoppe! Cheers! - Mer waases ned. I don't know. - Hitze hude se sad se h�dse kuiling mandse misdse hu. She feels hot, she must cool down. - Deeft ich emohl eier Metzelsopp vesuche? May I taste your battlesoup? - Morsche! - Aach Morsche! Good morning to you! - Good morning to you, too! - Des is abber babbisch! This is a little sticky! - Die hat doch en Dubbe! She is nuts! - Mer laaft die Brieh de Stern ennunner. Sweat is running down my face. - Heit brennt de Planeeet widder. It's really hot today. - Och gae Hahm! Be off with you, you foolish person! - I have a bitschnass Hemm ou My T-Shirt is wet --- Why God didn't get tenure: 1. He had only one major publication 2. and it was in Hebrew 3. and it had no references. 4. Nor was it published in a major refereed journal 5. Some doubt that He wrote it himself 6. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited 7. The scientific community has had an exceedingly difficult time attempting to duplicate his results 8. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He accomplished since then ? 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When the subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most of his students fail his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually on a mountain top. Excerpted from Todd Hutson, AGNR Educator, Allen County, IN. --- "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." --Disraeli-- --- The human brain is divided into two sections, one verbal and logical which scientists employ when writing papers, the other visual and impressionistic which they use in writing grant applications. "Albert the experimental rat", David Austin, New Scientist, 25 Feb. 1989. --- Guide on how to interpret common statements in scientific papers; (`S:' stand for Statement and `I:' for interpretation). S: It has long been known... I: I haven't bothered to find the original reference. S: Unfortunately, no definitive answer is available. I: It seems nobody else understands it either. S: Of course, much more work is necessary for a definitive answer. I: I can't really make head or tails of the whole thing. S: The consensus is that... I: I know a couple of people who agree with me that... S: The results of NN is probably the most dependable. I: NN is one of my students. S: I wish to thank NN for assistance and XX for valuable discussions. I: NN did the work and XX explained the results to me. S: It is immediately obvious that ... I: aren't I clever ? S: Possible therapeutic application ... I: Please, please don't cut the funding now. From an editor: S: Your paper contains certain obstacles to publication.. I: Your paper contains numerous insurmountable flaws. S: These results will be reported at a later date. I: I might get around to doing these experiments one day. S: Paper in preparation. I: If I can ever get the damn experiments to work. S: This area of research was pioneered by Smith. I: That S.O.B. will probably be reviewing this paper, so I'd better lick his boots ! --- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious ! --- Aging: a contagious disease This possibility is suggested by a number of frequently overlooked facts. From birth, we are surrounded by an aging population that can pass the disease along. Babies show little evidence of aging, but after a few years of exposure to the adult environment the aging process becomes manifest. "More of the Best the Journal of Irreproducible Results", p124, Workman, New-York,(1993). --- A startling effect of the antidepressant drug clomipramine The effect was first described in a paper in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry which states that four patients taking the drug had spontaneous orgasms every time they yawned. One of the patients, a woman, had been depressed for four months. The drug cured her problem, but she asked if she could be allowed to continue using it since she enjoyed the side effect so much. She had even found she could experience an orgasm by deliberate yawning. One writer suggests that the effect, if it became widespread, could have interesting social consequences. People who experience it would presumabl y seek out the most boring person at parties, attendances at academic lectures would suddenly boom, and John Major would win a landslide victory at the next general election. - From "Feedback" section of New Scientist, September 2, 1995. --- Six Phases of a Project: 1) Enthusiasm 2) Disillusionment 3) Panic 4) Search for the guilty 5) Punishment of the innocent 6) Praise and honors for non-participants --- Clarke's law of revolutionary ideas Every revolutionary idea evokes three stages of reaction: 1. It is impossible - don't waste my time. 2. It is possible, but its not worth doing. 3. I said it was a good idea all along. --- Committee (n.): A group who, individually, can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. Mitchell's law of committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. --- While the putative mode of action of ajoene is enticing enough to warrant further studies, at present we are far from understanding the molecular basis for the reputed anti-vampire action of garlic in the Middle Ages. Unfortunately, we could not obtain the most desired test system for antivampire activity. Vampires may now be extinct, and a search for the anti-vampire activity in garlic must await development of suitable analytical tools. Kumar Jain M., Apitz-Castro R.; Trends Biochem. Sci. 12:252-254(1987). --- Subject: Hell is exothermic (you didn't know that?) From: Rowland Croucher � des �tre humains tendent � devenir des parasites ... --- Pr�cis de comportement conjugal � l'usage des jeunes mari�es FAITES EN SORTE QUE LE SOUPER SOIT PR�T : Pr�parez les choses � l'avance, le soir pr�c�dent s'il le faut, afin qu'un d�licieux repas l'attende son retour du travail. C'est une fa�on de lui faire savoir que vous avez pens� � lui et vous souciez de ses besoins. La plupart des hommes ont faim lorsqu'ils rentrent � la maison et la perspective d'un bon repas (particuli�rement leur plat favori) fait partie de la n�cessaire chaleur d'un accueil. SOYEZ PR�TE : Prenez quinze minutes pour vous reposer afin d'�tre d�tendue lorsqu'il rentre. Retouchez votre maquillage, mettez un ruban dans vos cheveux et soyez fra�che et avenante. Il a pass� la journ�e en compagnie de gens surcharg�s de soucis et de travail. Soyez enjou�e et un peu plus int�ressante que ces derniers. Sa dure journ�e a besoin d'�tre �gay�e et c'est un de vos devoirs de faire en sorte qu'elle le soit. RANGEZ LE D�SORDRE : Faites un dernier tour des principales pi�ces de la maison juste avant que votre mari ne rentre. Rassemblez les livres scolaires, les jouets, les papiers, etc. et passez ensuite un coup de chiffon � poussi�re sur les tables. PENDANT LES MOIS LES PLUS FROIDS DE L'ANN�E : Il vous faudra pr�parer et allumer un feu dans la chemin�e, aupr�s duquel il puisse se d�tendre. Votre mari aura le sentiment d'avoir atteint un havre de repos et d'ordre et cela vous rendra �galement heureuse. En d�finitive veiller � son confort vous procurera une immense satisfaction personnelle. R�DUISEZ TOUS LES BRUITS AU MINIMUM : Au moment de son arriv�e, �liminez tout bruit de machine � laver, s�choir � linge ou aspirateur. Essayez d'encourager les enfants � �tre calmes. Soyez heureuse de le voir. Accueillez-le avec un chaleureux sourire et montrez de la sinc�rit� dans votre d�sir de lui plaire. �COUTEZ-LE : Il se peut que vous ayez une douzaine de choses importantes � lui dire, mais son arriv�e � la maison n'est pas le moment opportun. Laissez-le parler d'abord, souvenez-vous que ses sujets de conversation sont plus importants que les v�tres. Faites en sorte que la soir�e lui appartienne. NE VOUS PLAIGNEZ JAMAIS S'IL RENTRE TARD � LA MAISON ou sort pour d�ner ou pour aller dans d'autres lieux de divertissement sans vous. Au contraire, essayez de faire en sorte que votre foyer soit un havre de paix, d'ordre et de tranquillit� o� votre mari puisse d�tendre son corps et son esprit. NE L'ACCUEILLEZ PAS AVEC VOS PLAINTES ET VOS PROBL�MES : Ne vous plaignez pas s'il est en retard � la maison pour le souper ou m�me s'il reste dehors toute la nuit. Consid�rez cela comme mineur, compar� � ce qu'il a pu endurer pendant la journ�e. Installez-le confortablement. Proposez-lui de se d�tendre dans une chaise confortable ou d'aller s'�tendre dans la chambre � coucher. Pr�parez-lui une boisson fra�che ou chaude. Arrangez l'oreiller et proposez-lui d'enlever ses chaussures. Parlez d'une voix douce, apaisante et plaisante. Ne lui posez pas de questions sur ce qu'il a fait et ne remettez jamais en cause son jugement ou son int�grit�. Souvenez-vous qu'il est le ma�tre du foyer et qu'en tant que tel, il exercera toujours sa volont� avec justice et honn�tet�. LORSQU'IL A FINI DE SOUPER, D�BARRASSEZ LA TABLE ET FAITES RAPIDEMENT LA VAISSELLE. Si votre mari se propose de vous aider, d�clinez son offre car il risquerait de se sentir oblig� de la r�p�ter par la suite et apr�s une longue journ�e de labeur, il n'a nul besoin de travail suppl�mentaire. Encouragez votre mari � se livrer � ses passe-temps favoris et � se consacrer � ses centres d'int�r�t et montrez-vous int�ress�e sans toutefois donner l'impression d'empi�ter sur son domaine. Si vous avez des petits passe-temps vous-m�me, faites en sorte de ne pas l'ennuyer en lui parlant, car les centres d'int�r�ts des femmes sont souvent assez insignifiants compar�s � ceux des hommes. A LA FIN DE LA SOIR�E, rangez la maison afin qu'elle soit pr�te pour le lendemain matin et pensez � pr�parer son petit d�jeuner � l'avance. Le petit d�jeuner de votre mari est essentiel s'il doit faire face au monde ext�rieur de mani�re positive. Une fois que vous vous �tes tous les deux retir�s dans la chambre � coucher, pr�parez-vous � vous mettre au lit aussi promptement que possible. BIEN QUE L'HYGI�NE F�MININE soit d'une grande importance, votre mari fatigu� ne saurait faire la queue devant la salle de bain, comme il aurait � la faire pour prendre son train. Cependant, assurez-vous d'�tre � votre meilleur avantage en allant vous coucher. Essayez d'avoir une apparence qui soit avenante sans �tre aguicheuse. Si vous devez vous appliquer de la cr�me pour le visage ou mettre des bigoudis, attendez son sommeil, car cela pourrait le choquer de s'endormir sur un tel spectacle. EN CE QUI CONCERNE LES RELATIONS INTIMES AVEC VOTRE MARI, il est important de vous rappeler vos voeux de mariage et en particulier votre obligation de lui ob�ir. S'il estime qu'il a besoin de dormir imm�diatement, qu'il en soit ainsi. En toute chose, soyez guid�e par les d�sirs de votre mari et ne faites en aucune fa�on pression sur lui pour provoquer ou stimuler une relation intime. SI VOTRE MARI SUGG�RE L'ACCOUPLEMENT, acceptez alors avec humilit� tout en gardant � l'esprit que le plaisir d'un homme est plus important que celui d'une femme, lorsqu'il atteint l'orgasme, un petit g�missement de votre part l'encouragera et sera tout � fait suffisant pour indiquer toute forme de plaisir que vous ayez pu avoir. SI VOTRE MARI SUGG�RE UNE QUELCONQUE DES PRATIQUES MOINS COURANTES, montrez-vous ob�issante et r�sign�e, mais indiquez votre �ventuel manque d'enthousiasme en gardant le silence. Il est probable que votre mari s'endormira alors rapidement ; ajustez vos v�tements, rafra�chissez-vous et appliquez votre cr�me de nuit et vos produits de soin pour les cheveux. VOUS POUVEZ ALORS REMONTER LE R�VEIL afin d'�tre debout peu de temps avant lui le matin. Cela vous permettra de tenir sa tasse de th� du matin � sa disposition lorsqu'il se r�veillera. --- Why Windows is better than Linux! 1- On Monday mornings, your coworkers chat about the latest virus/security threat. You feel isolated. 2- The absence of anger, rage and acts of violence against your machine has made you a soft, bland, placid and soggy ball of fat, while your peers are always active and alert, and are able to explode in a tornado of unfounded hate at will. You envy their readiness. 3- By not having to remember serial numbers, keywords, keys, registry codes and evaluation periods, your memory is deteriorating worryingly. Others, on the other hand, are capable of reciting 25 character strings when they feel like it. You cannot participate in their joy. 4- The uncanny lack of spontaneous blue screens is atrophying your retina's blue receptors, so your oculist recommends that you stare at IBM's logo for hours on end. Your associates have hyper-developed such receptors and are capable of seeing in the dark. 5- In the common event of an invasion of ultraviolent extraterrestrials, you are not able to install Outlook in their mainframe, act that would destroy their civilisation. 6- Being a Linux user, you have no excuse whatsoever for rebooting dozens of times a day, and watch with envy as your peers talk merrily in-between boots. You are unjustly forced to be highly productive. 7- The monetary assets that others purposefully employ in licences, supports, renovation periods, and user rights, you spoil in tickets to sporting events and movies, meals and alcohol, which is deteriorating your health. 8- Not being a Windows user, friends don't call you a weekend afternoon asking for help in reinstalling their OS, so you are immensely bored while your friends engage in fulfilling social relationships 9- You are forced to read all e-mails sent by your boss, being cruelly deprived of the universal right to the phrase "Outlook won't let me open it", that others enjoy so much. 10- Your computer's Reset button is accumulating alarming levels of dust. --- <>